Cezi, is living the life.

The horrible meeting.

I was frustrated, had trouble breathing and I did not have time for life anymore.
When I finally had fell asleep, it would be hard waking up from the nightmare I always lived in.
I do not understand how it could be like this, how could I not see what would be my dreams or my reality? Maby because I didn’t care, whatever I did my thoughts would always  come catch me.
I was alone because I’ve been left that way. The world didn’t want me and neither did I with it.
-“ Kate wait, why do you just walk away?
-“ I’m not feeling that good.
-“ Than go to the school nurse silly!
-“ No I really need to go home, just leave me alone.
Not even my closes friends knew why I felt like I felt. Go to the nurse hah, no nurse could ever heal you when your inner organs do not work like they suppose to. In soon 2 years I felt like this. I was deeply down in my very own dark depression. I live in a dark world, I don’t know why I’m not on the same level as everyone else is on. Nobody could see who I became, nobody really knows. My family sees me as old Kate but after that night I will never be Kate again. I’m already destroyed, you can not save me. Whatever happens now it’s not happening for real. I’ve already fallen from the highest floor and landed flat on the bottom. How shall I raise my hopes, climb back and fall once again? I can’t, I’m already down on the bottom, down under everybody.
I wake up with a scream on my lips, the words want to be spoken but my lips are sealed.
I’m clammy and my room is all dark, everything is quiet except the voices inside my head.
they’re screaming to get free but there’s nothing I can do about it.  If I can’t even liberate my self how shall I then liberate the voice inside me? Every night is the same, actually I’m getting used to it.
It’s hard sleeping every hour of a night without waking up even one time. I wake up because of that.
That thing that happened that exact night.  Nobody knows because I haven’t told them. How should I? Shall I tell them and then have to go visit a shrink for a couple of years? Would they even care?
I don’t have the strange to explain, this will be my own little hidden secret and why shall I share it with the world when I don’t even want to share my life with it at all? I’m lightening my candle and slowly I rise from the bed. I walk toward the window and there I get stuck just staring out. It’s dark outside and the snow is falling. It’s now at this season I’m the most depressed. I can’t help it but however I try I can’t see the light in life. I see dark, hate and unworthiness.  It says that hope shall be the last thing who leaves an human but if that now is true than I really am dead. Hope left me long ago.  I wonder for a while than I go back to bed. I know that I have to be half clear in my head if I shall have the strength to put an fake smile on my lips tomorrow.
Tomorrow goes today and I know what day it is. Friday’s are always the worst’s . My friends drags me to party’s and what shall I say? No I rather stay home by my self. I can’t do that, my friends really do think I enjoy it. If they would know, they would never take me there , never! But they don’t even see when their best friend is hiding something. That night I drink a lot, more than my body can handle and I know that, still I’m such an idiot so I keep drinking. Who said I ever cared? Has anybody told me I want to live? No the only thing I said has been the opposite, not loud but I have the thought in my mind like always.  Twenty-four seven  the thought spins around. To take my life,  commit suicide.
The thing is, I’m too afraid, I’m only Kate with an hidden background. I know people commit suicide for similar reasons but I, I would do it in any other case but as long as I’m drunk it’ll numb the pain.
I push the key through it’s locker and slowly I rotate, I’m not as drunk as I was two hours ago. Slowly I sneak upstairs hoping not to bring any attention. I want to sleep, want to disappear in the deepest sleep who will last forever. But just as I close my eyelids, I take back everything I just said.
Is this really a dream? It seems familiar. Who’s that boy behind the corner?
Please don’t tell me it’s him I don’t want to experience this moment again, I refuse please god let me have an end of this. The figure get’s closer and in a few seconds I can see his face. His pale face faded and his coal black eyes. They’re dark and frightening. They’re not as they used to be, way back then while he used to be my dearest. The boy I once loved, who later on destroyed me.
It was that evening when I said I couldn’t live with him anymore. He became someone else when he was drinking and I was sick of it. Something blocked his brain, something told him to destroy me like I had destroyed him. That evening put  tracks in my life, he is where I am. Where ever I walk I see his face. It won’t go away! I can still see how he throws himself in front of the train with his arms all bloody screaming “ I do this for you, am I really a monster now?” I can see my self fall headlong to the ground, I got the knife in my right hand without knowing how it got there.
I got bloody wounds on my arms just as he had. The only difference is that he’s no longer alive.
He took his life for my sake, am I ready to take mine for his? I owe him it, because it was our promise.
We were suppose to die together whether it was out of love or pure hate. This is what made me so depressed.  To not to know if he did it for love or pure hate. Do I continue on the same road if I choose to do it? Will I still be lost or could the last fall be my key to happiness the key to an new heaven of kingdom. If only I had the chance to change anything it would be those words. I would live happily with him, instead I did the opposite and destroyed him which he is now taking revenge on me. This horrible meeting has come to hunt me every time I close my eyes. I have only one chance to  make everything fall into place again and that is to not fight for life no more.